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| I woke up today and realized...I don't have to be miserable. For some reason, I threw away all of my past beliefs when it came to you because, somehow, something between us made me believe. I admit, then, that the hurt I felt in regards to you is in large part due to my own foolishness. I had long given up hope on believing that everything would work out if I simply found someone that just fit; I'm not sure why I let my guard down.
Thank you for helping me reestablish the beliefs and realistic attitude that will help me preserve my sanity as well as my heart. I always said I'd learn something from every relationship.
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| DDAVID: we win some, we lose some
so...when do I get to start winning? | | |
| DDAVID: we win some, we lose some
It's time I face the music. But for some reason I can't let it go, so I guess I'll just let it be...whatever it is right now.
Home was so chill, and I got to see so many people! But I still didn't get to see a lot too :[ Derek Fu, Monica Shei, Brandon!! Ugh, 48 hours is really way too short. I can't wait for next month, 3/4 days @ home (: Being back at school is a little depressing. I miss boba (I had, Cha for tea, Taps, AU, and LifePlaza!!) and legit Taiwanese food. I miss just chilling in people's houses...I miss late nights @ eateries (Denny's, taco truck!). I'm glad that home lived up to my expectations. It was really nice to have those two days of bliss. Plus I bought a coat for when the cold rain takes over Berkeley</3. Seeing my mommy was great too (: I can't believe how much I've neglected her since I've been here... :[ Imma start calling her everyday, for sure! Whee.
So I need to get my shit together. Tonight is the last night I waste, and thats a promise to myself. I have to prove to myself that I can do shit on my own. I can't keep relying on my sister to check in on me, my mom to remind (guilt trip) me into studying...I must develop my own self-motivation. I also need to stop eating so much. Definitely becoming a problem. I also need to go back to waking up on time for classes...damnn. Starting with my UGBA discussion tomorrow morning! OMG, my GSI probably thinks I'm such a slacker. Oh and I will stop being pathetic. Resolutions I will strive to achieve! Wish me luckkkkkkkk. I must learn to be independent.
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| Why do I have to be miserable here?
Sure, there's a lot of work. Competition is at its highest in my intended major. I'm taking hard classes. My roommate seems to have all the time in the world to do whatever the hell she wants while I'm constantly at my computer. "Friends" are still up in the air. The past few days have been spent working on a useless, never-going-to-be-used-again scrapbook. This one boy doesn't think I'm worth committing to. Partying has got me off track. Alcohol is my worst enemy. Money is quickly disappearing. Support is back in Arcadia.
But it's all about putting myself in the right state of mind, right? Why should I let other people affect me? Why should I allow school to bog me down with work? Why waste time thinking about how horrible it is here?
I am determined to turn my thinking around: Berkeley is the best place in the world....
Aside from home, of course. 5 DAYSSSSSSSSSSS<3
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| I was talking to a newly made friend recently about his grades and as I tried to push him to work harder he asked me a simple question: why do you care?
That is a question I ask myself often nowadays. Because I care I worried about someone I barely knew. Because I care I burdened myself with his unmotivated issues. Because I care I let other people's feelings come before my own. Because I care I often don't let my thoughts be known in fear of adding more fuel to the fire. Because I care I feel like shit when it's not reciprocated. Because I care I am put last on everyone's list. Because I care I get screwed over.
What do I gain out of this? A big fat nothing. Wasted time thinking about other people's issues, wasted effort trying to fix them, wasted heart on people who don't care. That's what I get for caring.
*****
Midterms mark the middle of the semester. The end of Week 7 officially announces that we have been in school for way too long. The 23rd is so close. I'm so excited! I like knowing I will be home in less than two weeks. It just sucks that I have a module test the following Monday. No carefree weekend at home for me...but just being home will be enough for me. I miss you, Ten Ren/Tapioca Express/Cha for Tea/etc. boba. I'm coming! As for all my loves @ home and coming home that weekend: I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED TO SEE YOUUUUUUUUU<3
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